Inside My Head

the literary rantings of Angie Frissore

Angie’s Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema: Blood Diner (1987)

a20blood20diner20dragon20dvd20This week’s sketch fest is, perhaps, the perfect example of the delicate balance needed to create, what I feel to be, the sketchiest of sketch cinema. So come, laugh with me, cry with me, get nauseous with me, as we sit down to a heaping helping of sketch, Jackie Kong’s 1987 masterpiece, Blood Diner.

A killer is on the loose in anytown, USA, and the latest victims happened to be the local Happy Times All-Girl Glee Club. As young tykes Mikey and Georgie amuse themselves while mom runs to the store for “God-damned tampons”, the front door is suddenly smashed in much to the robot-like, unimpressed children.

Enter Uncle Anwar, covered in blood and wielding a meat cleaver, who is instantly subdued at the sight of his nephews. Knowing he is running out of time (as the sounds of sirens grows closer), he presents the boys with two necklaces which he claims to be ancient ‘Lumarian’ relics, dating back – get this now – 5 million years B.C.

That’s pretty old. At this point, I knew I was in for a cinematic extravaganza.

After the uncle’s predictable demise, we fast forward twenty years.

Our little boys are all grown up now, and long for the company of old Uncle Anwar so badly that they dig him up in his grave, crack open his skull, catch his brain (which was launched from the skull fifteen feet into the air), pickle it, and place a spell on it. This is, of course, after bashing the eyes out of the timid graveyard security guard.

The boys take the skull, which is now alive, has eyes (that’s right – a brain with eyes attached), and has a completely different voice than the previous Uncle Anwar (I suppose twenty years underground will do that to a man), back to their vegetarian diner.

I could go on and on with this in great detail, but I can’t, and I won’t. I cannot spoil the goodness involved in this journey of sketchy wonder. But I can, however, offer a few non-plot-related tidbits that are crawling in sketchy perfection.carlcrew2

Nude Cheerleader Aerobics. I’m not kidding – there is a scene, as random as it may be, where a bunch of cheerleaders are doing aerobics with only bikini bottoms on. See, the only connection to the plot line here is that one girl, Connie, does not attend this little exercise session (which is being taped ‘on cable coast to coast’), making her the target ‘pure’ girl.

Random bouncing of the bouncer. The boys are outside of a club, trying to force their way in, when a bouncer tries to stop them. Mikey tosses the bouncer into the street – right into the path of an oncoming car which is bouncing with hydraulics. Long story short, what should be a horrible scene to witness provides laughs for all passers-by.

carlcrew1Running Down the Biker. Georgie is out for a drive in his van, when he happens upon an old, fat biker dude who is in the street after breaking down. Excitedly (and to some mambo song), he plows the van into the biker and takes off. But the biker isn’t dead. Georgie sees this, and proceeds to reverse and hit him again. This process is repeated about a dozen times, as the biker keeps on getting up. Later we find out the biker actually dies from a heart attack.

There’s a wrestling match. An honest-to-goodness wrestling match. Enough said.

Through it all, our townspeople are feasting on the diner’s new menu…which contains the bits of many of the town’s ‘tramps, sluts and whores’.

So with that, I urge you to feast on this Sunday sketch-o-rama and take in the cheesy, oven-baked goodness of Blood Diner. The gratuitous nudity, blood, and lack of seriousness to the acting will have you begging for seconds.

carlcrew4And now, for this week’s Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema quote of the week:

Brain of Uncle Anwar: “The first ingredients we need are two stomachs from a couple of tramps.”

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February 1, 2009 - Posted by | Sunday Morning Sketch Cinema |

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