Inside My Head

the literary rantings of Angie Frissore

The Rules of Engagement

You’re just too picky.

The comment resonated in my head as I pondered the criticisms Rob had unleashed upon me.  Perhaps there was something to his remark.  Perhaps, as well, he was just lashing out in his usual donkey-like, know-it-all ways. 

Me? Too picky? Had he not been witness to the haphazard collection of misfit toys which had infamously made up my dating pool for the past few years?  The more his comment replayed in my head, the more self-righteous I became, which was especially fun given my lack of an audience.  I looked over at Taco, knowing I would find a sympathetic, albeit canine, ear. Taco gave me her usual “I am soooooo trying to understand the words coming out of your mouth” expression.

“I think I have a right to be picky,” I muttered, giving Taco a much-appreciated scratch behind the ear.  “I mean, it’s my heart right? Should I sell myself short and live out the rest of my days a miserable, underachieving douchebag?”  Taco yawned.

“Damn right,” I quipped.

I grabbed a pen and the closest thing I could find for paper (noticing the irony in the item on which I chose to plot down my list of demands – a random, untorn picture of the Southern Man) and began to madly scribble away.  If Rob wanted picky, he was certainly about to get it.

Qualifications for Entering into Romantic Partnership Association with Abigail M. Harris:

  1. Gainful Employment.  Swooping in to pick up the tab every now and again is only fair.  If you are seeking someone to pay your car insurance or rent, call your mom.
  2. Functional Automobile.  Mama always told me a man who wouldn’t pick me up is not really a man at all.  ****Other circumstances are negotiable, given the applicant at least possesses a valid driver’s license.
  3. Colored Denim.  Under no circumstances should the applicant venture out into public areas wearing denim of color other than blue.  The category ‘blue’ does not apply to turquoise, navy, or royal blue.  Stone washing is not permitted.  Black denim may be cause for automatic termination of applicant’s contract.
  4. Chivalry.  It’s not quite dead yet.  At least, it shouldn’t be.  If I wanted to be all feminist and open my own doors and beat the crap out of would-be muggers, I would have become a lesbian. 
  5. Show an Interest. Particularly in something other than my measurements.  It is remarkable how paying attention lends itself to rather easily resolved disputes or the avoidance of confrontation altogether.
  6. The Element of Surprise.  Do something random.  Anything.  A tiny little thing that I will appreciate immensely and be so gracious of the surprise that pleasant reprecussions will be showered upon you. 
  7. Hygiene.  Should you advance past the first-round of interviews, you will need to maintain that cutting edge you had over other applicants by keeping up with expected personal hygiene.  Tooth-brushing, showering, shaving, and not smelling like the backside of a Mac truckare key metrics of further securing your position.
  8. Criminal Background.  Not all of us are perfect. Should you happen to have a criminal background, the following, listed in any order or quanity on said background, will be grounds for termination: financial fraud, manslaughter, more than one DUI (you’re lucky to proceed with one), theft, assault, drug charges, child molestation, kidnapping, or felony charges.  Note that this list is subject to additions at any point at the discretion of the hiring manager.
  9. Courtesy.  Do unto others.  Tell me how I look (only if I look good – never point out bad hair days, ‘feeling fat’, or anything else that might lead to personal injury).  Call me just because.  “I saw this and I thought of you,” is a great way to start any conversation.
  10. Confidentiality.  Your friends, your brothers, your coworkers do not need to know the intimate goings-on of the bedroom, or any other locale in which intimacy may occur.

I paused for a moment, reviewing my list of demands with a self-assured grin.  I poured myself another glass of pinot noir and walked over to the computer.  Clumsily, I typed up my new list of qualifications and added them to an email draft for Rob.

“How’s that for picky, bitches?”


September 11, 2008 - Posted by | No Messages - Excerpts from the Draft | , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. “How’s that for picky, bitches?”

    *Falls over dead* I think I love you, at least in the strictly platonic non-lesbian way.

    KUDOS TO YOU my friend for being picky. I am picky, hence the reason at 37 I have never been married. It is SO IMPORTANT to know what you are looking for! If you don’t, you won’t know when Mr. Right comes along… and to all those women who think you have to settle in order to get a man at all (as if there is a shortage of the “good ones”) you just aren’t looking hard enough!


    Comment by cremelloquarterpony | September 11, 2008 | Reply

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