Inside My Head

the literary rantings of Angie Frissore

Substance-inspired randomness.

Good, you’re here.  You gotta see this,” Randy said, greeting Jason at the door.  He led Jason out towards the backyard, where a mass of well-manicured potted plants were growing.  “You’ve never seen anything this big…”

“Dude…it’s a pepper.  A chili pepper.  I’m still a little puzzled as to the urgency in calling me over here,” Jason complained.  He didn’t have time for such nonsense.  In six hours, he had to catch a flight to Chicago for a taping of The Jerry Springer Show.  He didn’t know why he was called in to go to the show, but he was hoping for the best.

Amidst the sprawling tomato and strawberry plants was a mass of chili pepper plants, all of relatively normal size.

“I see no mammoth chili pepper,” Jason moaned.

“Oh, it’s there.  Y’all ain’t looking close enough,” Randy muttered, keeping his distance.  “It’s not the first one, either.”

“What? Not the first one? Then why the hell did ya bother callin’ me over here?”

“I ain’t had no witnesses for the first one.  I admit, that wadn’t the brightest thing for me to do, so now I gotta have you here to vouch for me.”

Suddenly, a rusting noise came from the pepper plants. 

“Dude, whaddya got, rabbits or some shit?” Jason asked.  Randy figured it was about time to explain to Jason just what was going on.  It was only fair, given what was to come.

“You should know what happened the last time,” Randy said calmly.  He led Jason away from the garden, just to be safe.

“I was out here one day, about a week after I noticed this enormous chili pepper that was like, ten times the size of the others.  I didn’t really think much of it…kinda hoped it would get bigger and I could get some kinda prize,” Randy explained.

“Did it?” Jason asked, bored.  “Did it grow bigger?”

“Yeah…it got bigger.  But anyway, so it’s about a week later and I notice – remarkably, Jason – that it’s gotten bigger.  But all of a sudden, it’s like, movin’ and shit.”

“Movin?”

“Yep.  Movin.  So this goes on for a few minutes, and suddenly…”

“Yeah? Suddenly what?”

“It hatched.”

“It what?” Jason asked, confused.  He’d never heard of a hatching chili pepper.  “What did it, well, hatch?”

“It was this little dude thing…almost like, a barbie-doll sized martian redneck,” Randy said, knowing Jason wouldn’t believe him.  Surprisingly, the louder the rustling in the bushes got, the more Jason was actually starting to.  “It looked right at me and started like, growlin and foamin at tha mouth!”

“What the hell did ya do?”

“Well, it’s a fuckin’ pepper.  I grabbed some of them tomatoes over there, made some fuckin’ salsa and went back to mowin’ the lawn.”

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September 9, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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